Relief: A Quarterly Christian Expression - The Day after Challenge: A Follow-Up to Relevant Church’s 30 Day Sex Challenge

The Day after Challenge: A Follow-Up to Relevant Church’s 30 Day Sex Challenge

Written by Heather von Doehren

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

One of Relief’s Assistant Editors, Heather von Doehren, interviews Tampa, Florida’s Relevant Church leaders Paul and Susie Wirth and offers a special Relief challenge at the end for our writers.

An Introduction to Relevant Church’s 30 Day Sex Challenge:

Relief: Because a lot of our readers might be unfamiliar with your church’s 30 Day Sex Challenge, could either of you take a moment to briefly describe the challenge?

Paul: The 30 Day Sex challenge is a program designed for married couples and single people to figure out their emotional needs and then armed with that knowledge build their relationships based upon that rather than the traditional model of relationship, which is usually based on feelings. The series is biblically based so we are teaching singles that we believe that God has reserved sex for marriage and if done God’s way sex can and should be the best sex of their lives. However, many married couples do not have a fulfilled sex life and many times it is because both of the individuals are not meeting each other’s deepest emotional needs and then wonder why they are not connecting on a sexual level. We believe to have a stable relationship you need to be connecting spiritually, emotionally, and sexually and in that order.
The challenge incorporated 4 things for the success of the challenge:

Each person, whether single or married, was told to take the emotional needs test by Dr. Willard Harley (then daily begin to meet the needs of the other person without thinking of themselves)
Each person was to fill out the daily journal (this included reading the questions and the scripture verses) and then write down his or her answers to the questions and thoughts about the verses
Then the couples were to exchange journals with their partners and discuss them.
Last the married couples were to be sexually intimate every day for 30 days (sex is more than just intercourse) and single couples were to abstain from sex for 30 days (any form of sex)

Relief: Whose idea was it to propose the 30 Day Sex Challenge as a topic that your church should focus on? Did you pray about it beforehand?

Paul: We as a staff were praying about doing a relationship series for our church and were in a creative meeting when one of the people on our creative team said what about a 30 day sex challenge. We laughed it off at first but then thought that it could work for both our singles and married people. Our singles could be challenged to do their relationships Gods way for 30 days and in return our prayer was that through the teaching series during the 30 days God would have a chance to re-orient their thinking about sex and relationships around His plan. As far as our married couples we were going to help them identify their top 2 emotional needs and then daily meet the needs of their spouse while also creating time for intimacy every day during the challenge.

Relief: Our publication endeavors to allow authors and characters to exist in an uncensored reality. To what extent do you think Christian culture limits discussion and understanding of topics like sexuality by making them taboo? How did this factor into the planning and reception of the 30 Day Sex Challenge?

Susie: From my experiences growing up a pastor’s daughter, I know that the church was not silent upon the issue. Our pastors had plenty to say against any kind of pre-marital sex. However, not until my husband and I moved to a nondenominational church did we really hear specific marriage counsel from the pulpit. We did get more in depth teaching in married relationships, communication, and emotions when we attended several marriage retreats. Still the topic of sex was glazed over most of the time, which is sad because sex is one of the top five reasons why couples divorce.

Paul: I think it was a huge part. For far too long the church has remained silent on a lot of stuff that seemed easier not to talk about. Sex is just one of those topics. We as “Christians” want to live in this bubble where we think no one ever talks or even thinks about sex much less the idea of the fact that God may want us to enjoy sex. I think that is a travesty because the divorce rate among people who attend church is the exact same as with people who do not attend church. And one of the number one reasons for divorce is infidelity. So I think we as a Christian culture need to get our heads out of the sand and start helping people in their marriages. For some of them it starts in the bedroom, and God has a lot to say about that. In fact He devoted a whole book to the idea of romance and sex in the book of Song of Songs.

Relief: I must admit, I didn’t learn of the 30 Day Sex Challenge until it was almost finished, and I learned of it from an online discussion board that had some less than kind things to say of the challenge, which gave me the impression that these particular people felt there should be a kind of separation of “church and bedroom.” Why do you think some churchgoers are so apprehensive when it comes to including God in this aspect of their relationships? How does your intimacy with God enhance your intimacy with each other?

Susie: I believe and have experienced the conflict and aversion or distance with God when my relationship is not “right” with my spouse or any other person for that matter. It makes sense then to believe that when a couple is spiritually, emotionally, and physically right with one another—including sexually—then there is that “oneness“ talked about in the Bible. The world will see authentic love when they see the church, starting with our personal relationships, loving each other as Christ loves us, which is unconditionally and sacrificially.

Paul: Well I believe that they do go hand in hand. Just 26 verses into the Bible God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply; now I don’t know how you read that, but that sounds like God himself was the one who told Adam and Eve for the first time to go and have sex. Then in Song of Songs the writer there goes into explicit detail what foreplay is all about. I am not sure why people are so against the church talking about sex when it was God’s idea before it was ever on the radar of the porn industry. Maybe we have listened to that voice for so long that we have bought into their way of thinking about sex. Many people when they hear the word sex think of seedy bookstores and dark alleys. I really do not want my kids to grow up and think of sex that way; I want them to know that God created them as sexual beings and when experienced His way and on His time table in the bonds of marriage it can be incredible and fulfilling and God is pleased with it.

Relief: Intimacy is often synonymous with privacy. Building off the previous question, many would argue that these matters should not be discussed publicly. How would you respond to these objections?

Susie: We are not speaking of personal sexual acts in public, nor are we reading or blogging about our 30 day experiences. We do want people to be private about their sexual relationship. Still, we are openly teaching the Biblical view of sex and marriage. We did not teach anything outside of the Bible through our message series.

Paul: I believe that I answered that in the last question. But to further the point if sex and the bedroom are so taboo then why do we not have a problem watching it on virtually every TV show every night. It seems as though we live in a voyeuristic society but do not what anyone looking in and exposing the problems that may be in our own bedroom. So we buy into the lie that this is as good as it is going to get and then end up cheating on our spouse because someone else made it hotter. All the while we could have worked on our own marriage and relationship and rescued it before it shipwrecked if we would have just been honest and said we have a problem. Too many couples never talk about their sexual needs and wants with their spouse and then wonder why they are never satisfied. I think the bedroom has become all too private even among the couple sharing the same bed.

Researching Relationships:

Relief: Did you research a lot of different study materials before you settled on the questionnaire by Willard F. Harley, Jr.? What drew you the most to his materials?

(Click "Read More" to view the rest of the interview)

Susie: Yes, we have researched several different marriage/singles systems or studies. Dr. Harley’s system is what worked for us when our marriage was in crisis over 10 years ago. We use his system along with our “new” system in all marriage and pre-marriage counseling. We have written our book, 30 Day Sex Challenge—Fully Exposed, to detail our story and what God has taught us over the last 10 years in our personal relationship. We also have the results of our 30 day survey and personal quotes from those in our church that participated in the challenge. Our book should be in print very soon!

Paul: Not really. This is the one that rescued our marriage nearly 10 years ago and we have used it for our marital counseling ever since. We feel like we are living proof that it works. Although I know it is not the only system that works, it is the one we felt most comfortable with.

Relief: Of all the passages in the Bible about sex and marriage, why begin Day One for married couples with Hebrews 13:4? How would you define an “undefiled” marriage bed?

Paul: Well my definition really does not hold much weight. We really have to look at the Greek definition to get an accurate picture. The Greek word for “undefiled” is amiantos, which means not defiled, unsoiled. I believe what the writer here is trying to say here is that within the bonds of marriage sex is unsoiled and couples can and should enjoy each other’s bodies to the fullest as long as they have both agreed to what they are going to do. However, with that said let me make sure to point out that I do not believe that this verse says that it is ok to bring someone else into the marriage bed; it is for the couple only. That would include the use of pornography as well.

Relief: I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the day’s questions were centered around some stereotypes. For example, Day Seven for married couples begins, “Men often forget the daily chores, helping with the kids, a special note, or prayer closing out the day—things that help a woman to feel loved. . . ” In what ways do you feel old-fashioned roles influence contemporary relationships, not just with husband and wife, but within the church itself, or within American culture? In other words, how do think stereotypes influence God’s plans for intimacy?

Paul: Well I think we can all fall into stereotypical behavior from time to time and this happens mainly because of our own selfish nature. But when we return to the nature of Christ we realize that His whole ministry was about others and not Himself and maybe we should use that as a stereotypical model to follow. That would sure shape up some relationships.

Relief: I was watching some of the local news coverage in preparation for this interview, and as a participant in the challenge myself, I couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed that media coverage did seem to focus solely on the sex part of the challenge. Do you feel that your marketing position, of even calling it a “sex challenge,” was a little misrepresentative?

Susie: Our goal was to get our married couples and singles to “hear” our message. And what an important message it is. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce we knew that using the word “sex” would get the males in the room to consider the message. Also using the word “challenge” appealed to many males and females alike. We don’t believe it was misleading. We wanted couples to have intimacy for 30 days and knew that with the tools (questionnaire, sex journal, and the teaching times on Sundays) that this challenge was attainable. Did couples engage in sex every day? Although this was the challenge, the goal was for couples to be intimate—and prioritize their relationship again.

Paul: Sometimes. But that is what media does; they are looking for a hot story and for them, sex was hot. A few of them really did a great job with covering the totality of the story. Nationally The Fox Mike and Juliet Morning Show did the best job and locally here the ABC affiliate did a great job. Actually, I really enjoyed to the over 80 radio interviews from around the world they seemed to have the most time to discuss the story and seems like they wanted the whole story, not just part of the story.

On a More Personal Note:

Relief: I was pretty much raised without church and came to know Christ in my early 20s, so I’m curious to know how your religious upbringings (both from your churches and families) have affected your sexual relationship and your level of marital intimacy. What vulnerabilities, if any, do you think have been handed down?

Susie: Both of our parents were very silent about our marital sexual activities. Neither gave advice or much instruction. My sister gave me some advice. My parents as with many in their generation did speak openly about sex. This probably led to my lack of communication in the early years of our marriage.

Paul: Well, my wife and I grew up very conservative Baptist. So that right there should tell you something. I do not ever remember hearing our pastor ever talk about sex so much of what I learned about it was from my friend and MTV back in the ‘80s and I am sure you can guess where that led me. I am just thrilled that my wife and I did not buy into the lie that this is as good as it gets, or I am sure that we would have ended up divorced by now. We have a great marriage now and it has been a lot of work but well worth it.

Relief: I have to admit, I’m very happy my grandmother doesn’t own a computer and am rather relieved to know there is a very slim chance that she’d know I’m talking about a subject so “unladylike.” Have you received any repercussions from your family or friends about undergoing this mission?

Susie: It varies according to the cultural connectivity that each family member holds. We have family members that are from both extreme ends of the fence. The more conservative members were not as understanding about the challenge and needed more details before they were supportive because they do not live in the Tampa Bay area.

Paul: Not really; they kind of know we are out there and are going to tackle things from a different angle. My parents actually attend our church and I think they even took the challenge. (Did I just say that about my parents WOW!)?

The Aftermath:

Relief: What was the most rewarding aspect of this challenge, either for yourselves or for your congregation?

Susie: Personally we experienced a greater intimacy and oneness as we kept our relationship intentionally in the right place. Many of our congregants commented on the greater focus that the challenge brought to their relationship as well.

Paul: I think the comments from the couples that took the challenge and said it changed their marriage were the most rewarding for me. Here are some of their comments:
"I knew the challenge was going to be hard. We would really have to open up to each other and deal with issues even on days when we were tired and didn't want to. I thought the challenge would improve our sex life but I had no idea it would awaken us to our emotional needs which provided the gateway for communication and understanding."

"Initially, I thought that the focus was going to be more physical in nature, but it was so much deeper than that and really encouraged me to consistently demonstrate a more unselfish love toward my spouse."

"My wife and I have been very pleased with the 30 day challenge. We have told other couples and we continue to turn the 30 day challenge into a lifelong challenge. We've discovered it opens the door for communication into every aspect of our lives and that is just what we needed. Our marriage was in conflict till we began this journey. Marriage is always a work in progress, but I feel like we are crossing bridges that we might not have crossed without this site. Thank you. (Thank you. That doesn't seem like saying enough, so let me say God Bless You!)"

"My husband and I would like to thank you for sharing this concept with the rest of the world. It literally was a godsend to us. We were in serious need of recommitting to our relationship and had a crisis the day of or day after the launch of the challenge. I had read about it on aol and shared it with my spouse. It was just what we need to provide a structure for our rediscovery of one another. It was simple and yet frankly it was a challenge. We were forced to find time for one another, and we found that was exactly what we really needed to do. The physical part was a pathway to the emotional and spiritual connections between us. We held out for very open communication and stayed up way, way late many nights sorting stuff out—stuff that had been stacking up over our nearly 17 years of marriage. Laughter, patience, understanding, and admiration have followed. Here we are almost two months later, and our marriage is stronger and healthier than ever. We are so much happier. During our journey, we've told other people about the challenge and what a blessing its been to us. After taking the survey, we now realize that we have missed out on the guide and the probably other good stuff the site had to offer, BUT we are proof-positive that the concept is extremely helpful. I feel our relationship has been changed in an enduring way. Many, many thanks!"

"It was a very freeing few days. At first I wasn't sure where I was going to fit in BUT in the end I was totally blown away by what it brought out in me. My recognizing that I have a few shortcomings/defects I need to deal with in order to have a healthy relationship. Things I thought I had already put aside but in reality they still creep into my relationships or lack of relationships. I think this "stuff" has been keeping me from truly being open to any kind of intimate relationship."

Relief: There can sometimes be a certain negative stigma to phrases such as “the aftermath,” or the “morning after” especially when paired with the topic of sex. Now that the challenge has come to a close, what do you feel will be the most challenging part (not only for you two, but for your congregation) of continuing the connections that were built in the past 30 days?

Susie: The greatest challenge for us and I believe the congregation would agree is being able to maintain the priority of working on our marriage every day. It takes great effort and work to stay connected and close. Marriage as with any relationship that has substance, takes two people working on the relationship every day. It is not unlike our personal relationship with Christ. He is always ready and willing to work on our closeness; we, however, get distracted and lose focus.

Paul: My prayer is that they would build some stamina in their relationships. (Pardon the pun). This study is to help couples change the way that they think about each other and their relationships, although the sex I doubt will continue every day for the rest of their life. The part of meeting each other’s emotional needs should definitely continue for the rest of their lives.

Relief: Are there any rumors regarding a potential baby boom from this challenge?

Susie: Not yet. We already had 6 babies that were going to be born this year.

Paul: I only know of 2 pregnancies so far in our church.

Reflecting on the Sex Challenge:

Relief: You posted a survey for your members to answer regarding their impressions after the challenge. What were the results? Could you share some of the feedback or comments that were left?

Susie: They were 95% very positive.

Paul: Well one of the cool results from our personal journey is the book, as I mentioned above. It should be available sometime mid-summer.

Relief: What advice would you give to churches or organizations who are thinking about conducting a similar series?

Susie: Know your demographic well.

Paul: Pray about doing something like this and make sure that you want this because is God directing you and not because someone else did it and it was successful for them. You have to know your people and what they need that is the most important thing.

Thank you both for taking the time to answer these questions.

A Challenge for the Relief Community:

Over the next 30 days, we’d like for you, our Relief readers and writers, to stretch your creative muscles. Ask God to show you how to become more intimate within your writing. Yes, in essence the act of writing is the merging of a public act with a private one, for you are making known to the world your most intimate thoughts and feelings; however, oftentimes, in knowing that our writing will be seen by others, we shrink away and hide our most intimate and private thoughts, skewing our writing to effectively shield us. If you’ve been afraid, ask yourself why. Ask God to help you reveal something you’ve been avoiding and to help you deepen your creative connections.

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Susie Wirth - 30daysexchallenge-A Journey to Intimacy is ready!

|2008-07-16 19:40:08

Dear Relief,
Our book is finally available. You can read about our story and
how the 30 days of intimacy helped save our marriage and how it can help yours.
To find out more visit 30daysexchallenge.com
Blessings!

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