Relief/Diner Online Submissions System

I had decided to give up drinking soda for Lent.
Not exactly because it was a sacrifice that would bring me
closer to God and etc, etc, etc.
I felt I should lose a few pounds. But then I noticed something strange
after I began my Lenten diet-- I was actually gaining weight.
“Someone must have told Him my plan.” This, of course, made me
very upset and I called up my friend Peter. “Pete,” I said,
“did you tell Him my plan?” “Which one?” He asked. “The one
where you try to trap and kill all of the Atlantic seals in the

There were 12 of us sitting in a small, faintly lit room, much like
the one you are in now. The first man who decided to speak,
(a professor, you understand) said plainly with the confidence of a saint,
“my Jesus is a Pacifist.” A woman with glasses sitting to the right of him

shook her head and replied, “No, no sir, my Jesus is the Holy of Holies.
He is a king. And a king does what kings need to do.” A young man with a beard
lifted one eyebrow and said “My jesus would have to love zombie movies.
He would just have to. And he isn’t a god at all.” To this I replied, “Well I think, maybe,

possibly, that my Jesus would love every song The Jesus and Mary Chain ever wrote,
though He would probably feel conflicted about most of the lyrics.” Someone behind