This morning I hear an all too familiar sound of knocking at the front door at an ungodly hour of the day.
"Do they come and knock as loud as they can on purpose?" I groggily ask myself
The constable states that "they" said my rent's late even though it's only the 19th and we don't have rent due.
"I've heard that before," I wearily reply.
This "they" is the apartment management. I've come up with a new term for them: "chupacabra." You can Google that one if you don't know what it means.
I say "Okay, you have a great day sir."
Why don't I say what I really think?
What I really think is, "How much do 'they' pay you to come and deliver this note to me at 5:51 in the morning?" and then I think, "How much are 'they' charging me for this note you're delivering?"
Now I'm awake. . .
One of the things that's been really bothering me the last couple of days is the Sinner's Prayer aka the Roman Road to Salvation aka any of these "devices" that are used to cause one to walk through this door that evidently leads to a life of happiness and, eventually, eternal happiness. I've googled "the sinner's prayer" and have clicked on the first site that comes up. The site is entitled "All About God." Hmmm . . . lets see how I become a Christian:
Become a Christian: Step through the Gospel
First, you can be sure that God loves you unconditionally and desires to have a personal relationship with you.
Second, you need to admit your sinful nature to God, because this is what separates all of us from Him.
Third, you should stop trying to please God through your own efforts, and realize that salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ is a gift that none of us deserves.
Finally, you just need to step in and truly accept God’s gift -- His Son, Jesus Christ.
So, now you know the basic steps to become a Christian. As a result, if you desire God’s gift of eternal life and fellowship with Him, you are as close as a sincere act of faith.
I've put the word "truly" in bold because I think this word is what blows this whole thing into pieces. What does it mean to "step in and truly accept Jesus Christ?" To be honest, I think this is the part where the evangelical street preacher, the hell-fire-and-brimstone minister, and I completely miss the mark.
I had the opportunity to hear some of the most raw and authentic words flow from the mouth of one truly seeking God yesterday. I've been in a few meetings with this girl, and she has been sober for a short time. In A.A., the 3rd step is to turn our will and our lives over to our "Higher Power."
She says openly to the rest of us, "I was meeting with my sponsor yesterday to work through this step, and I had to stop. I can't handle this whole Higher Power thing, and I damn sure don't want that Higher Power to be the Christian God. So, my sponsor told me to make a list of all the characteristics that I would want God to be. I put that I want Him to love me unconditionally. . .and look, I'm already calling Him "Him." I'm stuck. I know that I can't stop drinking on my own, and if I drink again, I'm gonna die. I've been fed my whole life all this God stuff, and I don't want it. I need help. If anyone has any suggestions, please speak up. I'm struggling."
A few people speak about how they came to know "God," and one lady adamantly speaks out about her God, Jesus Christ. I don't think it's wrong to speak about Jesus Christ, but I feel as if the same God that this girl is speaking of is this "Jesus Christ" that we have done a good job of forming into our own being, and then forcing him down the throats of so many hopeless souls. In a book I'm reading called "The Jesus I Never Knew," the author speaks about how Jesus offers free will to make decisions. He never forces Himself on anyone. In fact, when He gives people the option to follow Him, some turn away like the rich man who didn't want to sell all his possessions. Jesus experiences opposition from those who think they have it all together, and experiences love through the ones who know they can't do it on their own. After a few more people talk about how they've come to know Jesus, or the Spirit of the Universe, or the stuffed animal, or the doorknob, I speak up. Usually, I'll pray when moments like this come, but I think pride is getting in the way. Oh well, lets see.
"I'm Jon, I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Jon," the group simultaneously replies.
Oh man, I think I'm on my high horse, "Spirit speak through me if you still have a chance to get around me," I silently pray.
"You know, I'm 27. Seventeen years ago I asked Jesus into my heart, and you know what happened? My life went to shit. . ."
There is some acknowledging laughter in the room.
". . . and I think you're in a great spot," speaking directly to this poor girl who has found sobriety but is searching for her Higher Power.
"I've been in your spot before, and it wasn't in some surreal, dreamy state either. I prayed the Sinner's Prayer when I was 10 years old, and I didn't know what the hell I was doing. For all I knew, God was this fairy tale being way up in the clouds who didn't really seem to care about what was going on down here. All I knew was that evidently I'm going to Heaven. You know what it actually took for me to find my Higher Power? It took me realizing that I'm not God and that alcohol sure as hell wasn't my God. I've tried to find my God in people, family, friends, the Church, and eventually in alcohol. And, none of it worked. It took me falling on my knees in utter despair, after all of my gods just weren't working out anymore. I truly believe that God is near to the broken-hearted, and what I see in these rooms are a bunch of broken-hearted people. I needed a God who believed in me, and He found me, and He rescued me. I don't even believe in Him all the time, but I think He's bigger than what I believe. I think He's bigger than this program, I think He's bigger than the Church, and I don't think He gets offended when I try to think about how big He is, or how He works, or what He does. In my human mind, I'm so off the mark that I bet He just sits back and laughs because He's so proud of me and He believes in me. He has done so many things in my life that are indescribable. The first time I ever came to an A.A. meeting, I ran away as fast as I had shown up. So, for me to be sitting here right now, in itself, is a work of God. The God that I chose when I was 10 was not the God that I know now. The God I know now became real to me as soon as I entered the first step. I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life is unmanageable. The 3rd step was icing on the cake. Thank God for this program! He did for me what I could and will never be able to do on my own. When I used to go eat at Mexican restaurants, I used to think, 'How do people eat here?' All I could think about was how many margaritas I could swallow before people were finished with their enchiladas. Nowadays, I go to parties, and I actually taste food! I have to give God all the credit. Without Him, I'm dead. Thanks. I'm Jon and I'm an alcoholic."
As I finish, I'm thinking, "Man, I hope I didn't screw this one up." I feel shaky as if I've just turned into a borderline street preacher inside the room of A.A. "Oh well. . ."
The point is these days I totally resonate with the feelings of the Agnostic, the addict, the alcoholic, and the broken hearted. I'm attracted to people who realize their messed up, but know they can't do it on their own. Ironically, it seems as though I find the most discomfort within a room full of born-again believers. I feel out of place. I feel like constant smiling is not reality. I feel like I see reality inside the rooms of A.A. I see God inside these rooms. He is near to the broken-hearted, and I see it flesh out in these rooms. Utter despair, loneliness, and fear seem to be the earmarks that God looks for in His children. I've lived for 17 years on my own terms, even though I "accepted" Christ into my life. What does that mean? I don't think it means anything if I don't accept that He accepts me. He accepts me. When everyone else seems to fade away, when everything else seems to just not work anymore, He accepts me like I am. Unbelief, uncertainty and all - He accepts me.
Lord, I ask that You would embrace this girl in Your overwhelmingly loving arms, and that no matter what she thinks of You or knows of You, that You would sweep her up. Make her speechless. Show her the same thing that You've shown me, that there's nothing I can do that will make You love me any more or any less. I know that You're gonna pick her up and carry her through the rest of these steps, and through the rest of her life. Thank you for her honesty, and thank You for giving me the opportunity to be reminded of the child-like faith that I need.