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I had decided to give up drinking soda for Lent.
Not exactly because it was a sacrifice that would bring me
closer to God and etc, etc, etc.
I felt I should lose a few pounds. But then I noticed something strange
after I began my Lenten diet-- I was actually gaining weight.
“Someone must have told Him my plan.” This, of course, made me
very upset and I called up my friend Peter. “Pete,” I said,
“did you tell Him my plan?” “Which one?” He asked. “The one
where you try to trap and kill all of the Atlantic seals in the
Atlantic Ocean?” “Oh, no, no.” I said. “The one involving
my soda intake during Lent.” “Oh. No, no, no…
that wasn’t me,” he said, and abruptly hung up the phone.
I then decided to call Judy, because Judy, you see, was the only other
person who had heard of my plan. “Judy, did you tell Him about my plan?
And you know which one I’m talking about. We both know this
has nothing to do with seals.” She didn’t say anything, and soon
minutes went by. We both remained silent on the phone.
She finally said, “I’m sorry. He just looked so sad when He asked
me about it. I think His heart might have even been bleeding.
I mean, I’m sorry, but what would you have done?” “You asshole,” I said,
and abruptly hung up the phone. I became panicked. “He knows,” I thought.
I sat down in my seal-skinned chair and devised a new way to trick Him.
“Maybe if I eat lots of food He will assume that I gave up
soda for Him, and not just because I was feeling chubby.” I was satisfied
with my new plan. For the next three weeks I ate incessantly.
Five hearty meals a day, and believe me, no exceptions.
I loaded sour cream on my potatoes, slathered butter on my toast,
and cream cheesed my bagels ½ an inch high. When Good Friday
rolled around I called up Peter and Judy to have supper at my house.
We ate lots of starchy foods and laughed and laughed. I was so skinny!